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Reading the entire series on the toilet—twice—was probably not entirely responsible. However, no matter what condition each person has, you know it’s in their ass. Inside, there seems to be a standard bench, but this one has a outcropping to place your knees on.

Some say it’s from sitting on the toilet too long (guilty). Others say it’s from not eating enough fiber (guilty). Also, there’s obesity (guilty), heavy lifting (guilty—remember when my balls twisted together? I’m not exactly sure when I first noticed, but at some point, during wiping (another thing, I am a notorious hyper wiper—perhaps another cause), I realized I had a little buddy. A friend who wanted to poke his head out and see what was going on. It also has a light on it, because, obviously, my ass is poorly illuminated.“You have three or four in there.”This is bad news to me.

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In the waiting room for a colorectal surgeon, that remains the case. Apparently my self-diagnosis was absolutely correct. This news strengthens my hypothesis that I am right about 95 percent of the time.♦◊♦We go into the actual room where the magic happens.

In other doctors’ offices, you aren’t sure what condition each person is suffering from.

You’re sure to meet many people just like yourself.

But in fact, experts don’t know where hemorrhoids come from. I found hemorrhoids.♦◊♦♦◊♦Hemorrhoids are inflamed bits of vein that fill with blood, bleed, and are very painful and sensitive. He brings out the finger and, instead, uses an instrument called an anal scope. Let’s just say it is as horrible as you can imagine.

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